My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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