So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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