it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
