you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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