i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
