Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Found the puke drawer
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
why does every cop we meet know your name?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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