I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
