just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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