o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize