your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
i need some magic done to my vagina
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
