my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
