you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
