A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
