Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
