someone get that fucking seahorse.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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