Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
