2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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