i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Hippo gnu deer
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Randomize
