remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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