I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
