"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
