If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
