I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
