You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
