Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
