the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You smell like stripper and shame
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
