I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
