I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
