My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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