opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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