i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
