I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
