I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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