Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Randomize
