The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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