I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
