Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize