i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
