So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
