she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
pray to the hookup gods
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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