Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
