You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
