nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
