the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
