mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
