Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
