They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
