look no pants
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
