I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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