they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
