Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
