you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Panties = found
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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