I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
