i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
