Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
