Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
