UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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