Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
