Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
