Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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