I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
