I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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