I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
