Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
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