so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
