I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
