My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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