I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
