My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
where are you?
Hypothermia
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
